I haven’t post much lately. It’s not because I don’t want to but my brain has been a train wreck lately.
I decided to quit my anti-depressants which also include some anti-psychotics because I hate how they make me feel. I feel numb a lot of the time and they also make me feel groggy. The grogginess can be dealt with by going to the gym but that takes a lot of work so instead of being healthy, I quit my anti-depressants cold turkey. I also justified it by thinking I would save some money (anti-depressants are expensive).
Of course I made it worse by lying to my doctor about my plan and lying to Jordon. It worked for a while until I started to come unglued and Jordon realized what was going on. The delusional statements, lies I was telling to hide it from him, and general craziness was a bit of a clue. Of course quitting powerful anti-depressants cold turkey isn’t good for you either and that left me in quite a state just before Christmas.
Jordon was both cool and supportive during this. Of course by supportive, he did make me go back to my doctor, tell him the truth, and then get back on my medication. By that time I was happy to do it as I was a wreck. Well not happy. During those discussions I did threaten to leave and then die in a ditch somewhere but eventually I came around.
What struck me during all of this is how broken my brain is and the realization that this isn’t going away. I am going to have to be on this medication for the foreseeable future and that means that I am going to have to find a way to do a better way of coping than I am now.
If there is some good from this, Jordon was supportive as always (even if supportive meant getting after me for going off my medication) and the doctor has a plan for me to get stabilized.
I guess the other good news is that it didn’t wreck the holidays which I am looking forward to. We are spending Christmas Eve with Lee and Brittany in Warman, Christmas supper with the Reimers, and then for New Years, heading out to the cabin.
Not sure if it will be as magical as what this looks like but I think we will have some fun.